Welcome back, Sports Fans, to the Second Annual DJ Splinter Holiday Special, spinning your favorite Christmas hits for everyone around the sporting world.
To start things off on a personal note, I’m sending out “Blue Christmas” to departed outfielder Alfonso Soriano, who will himself sport some blue next year when he suits up for the Chicago Cubs after signing a $136 million contract. While it was probably the right decision for Nats’ President Stan Kasten and GM Jim Bowden not to match the megadeal, the rebuilding process they’re gearing up for could lead to more than one “Silent Night” at RFK Stadium this summer. With a roster of tender infants and a hole-y starting rotation, attendance will likely sag even below last year’s 20-percent drop.
Moving forward, I’d like to send “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” to Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans after UCLA spoiled their national title hopes by making the Trojans look old and slow in the final game of the regular season. Now the Trojans find themselves in the Granddaddy of Them All against Michigan in what amounts to the most important of all the totally irrelevant post-season matchups. Who doesn’t love the bowl system? But wait, “Do You Hear What I Hear?” Yes, it’s a resounding call for a playoff system (one that would create profits as big as the sea … or at least the current bowl system).
I had down on my list here that we had a dedication of “All I want for Christmas is You” to that playoff system from a “U. Meyer,” but I’m being told it has since been withdrawn.
This just in, we have a request going out from … huh, this is odd … from the makers of Valtrex. This dedication of “Feliz Navidad” goes out to a Ron Mexico with a further request, hoping that the only thing Mr. Mexico spreads around this season is holiday cheer. Odd indeed.
Not everyone in the sports world has been nice this year, and with that in mind I’m sending out an extremely rare cover song by the Eric Clapton-led Cream. To Mr. Barry Bonds, please enjoy this rocking rendition of “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.”
Next up is “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” This one goes out to the Cincinnati Bengals who have seen more than their fair share of flashing red lights this year, with eight different players getting arrested 12 different times.
We also have a dedication of “Winter Wonderland” going out to the University of Miami football team. This bowl season, the disappointing Hurricanes will actually get to experience a proper winter in the MPC Computers Bowl against Nevada in Boise, Idaho. I wonder how many boosters are going to make that trip. Of course Miami’s mediocre record wasn’t the biggest story for the ’Canes this season. That would be when one of their players made an impromptu audition for the part of “The Little Drummer Boy” and tried to stove in the head of a Florida International player during their ugly October brawl. That, combined with the bungled fallout by Miami President Donna Shalala has me convinced more than ever the program is only full of buh-rum-puh-pum-bums. We will now pause five seconds for our audience to groan collectively.
On a lighter note, comes a last-minute shout out to 25-year-old runner Shanti Sounderajan with a dedication of “Silver Bells.” You see, Sounderajan won the silver medal at this year’s Asian Games in the women’s 800m only to be stripped of the medal after failing a “gender test.” Turns out Sounderajan had an abnormal amount of Y chromosomes in her … er … his … er … his/her body. On second thought, perhaps we should remix this one and call it “Silver …” Hold on, I’m getting a call from FCC Chairman Kevin Martin. What? I can’t say that? Come on, sir. It’s Christmas … Very well.
Sorry for the hold up folks, but we’re back now and with one final dedication. Last year we sent this number out to Detroit Lions’ GM Matt Millen, but with his fate all-but sealed, we’re turning our attention to another sports figure on the hot seat — Isaiah Thomas. Not only did Knicks owner James Dolan essentially give Thomas an ultimatum at the start of the season, but he reiterated it again last Wednesday. With the Knicks’ record at 10-17 as of Tuesday, and an ugly brawl marring their loss to the Denver Nuggets, the hot seat just got a little hotter for the much-maligned GM/Coach. And with that, please enjoy this version of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” as sung by the Sports Department Choir of the New York Post.
That’s all the time we have this year, sports fans. Happy Holidays to you and yours and we’ll catch you in the New Year.