Johnny’s World: Complicated Order

March 7, 2013 2:22 PM6 comments


Girl: “Hi ma’am can I take your order?”

Inner Monolog: Yes, but first of all, despite my mink coat, oversized black sunglasses, tight pants and four days worth of facial stubble, I am a sir.

Me: Awkward laugh Yes, I’d like an iced tea with raw sugar, a cup of chicken soup and could you explain to me, what’s in the “Sensational Salad”?

Girl: “Ummm…I don’t really know, (insert classic girl giggle here. That giggle that would be endearing to future sexual partners but conveys to girls and gays that you are in fact, an idiot) I don’t really eat that. I eat the chicken sandwiches. They’re all pretty good. You want one’a those?

Inner Monolog: Are you stoned?

Me: “Is it possible to ask someone who knows what makes the salad so sensational and what the ingredients are? I want to make sure I like it before I commit.”

Girl: Incredulous eye roll, straight off “da block”. “Gimme a minute.”


Now, I am no expert on the service industry or what it entails. I have worked in “service” only a couple times and they were usually as a bit for a television show, but I do know how to sell a bored housewife shopping next to me on a new purse or how to sell my parents on a particularly wonderful television program that they wouldn’t normally watch. I am also an expert at eating in restaurants, fancy or dumpy, small or big, and I have come to expect a certain level of decorum and service if you want your twenty percent tip and my return patronage. I do understand that being a waitress, bus boy, front of house, or restaurant manager can be a hellish ordeal and most of them deserve their full twenty, but this girl made me crazy. After about fifteen minutes she comes back, wreaking of cigarette and somehow completely changing her accent and race.


Girl: “Didya make up yo mind yet?”

Inner Monolog: Why is she talking like Jay Z? Fifteen minutes ago I had at least Miley Cyrus. Is it that wild rap music? Is Eminem to blame?

Me: “Yeah, fifteen minutes ago I asked what was in the “Sensational Salad”. What’s in it?”

Girl: Staring at manicure “I think there’s some lettuce, some tomato and some other shi…stuff in dat. You want it?”

Inner Monolog: She must be a crack baby.

Me: “No it’s ok. I’ll be leaving.”

Girl: “Okay, shoot, dat’s aight, lemme get yo check.”

Me: “Miss, I didn’t eat or drink anything. I’m just gonna go.”

Girl: “Thanks.” Pulls out iPhone, starts up Facebook


I am still reeling over this encounter. When there are millions of Americans out of work and starving and who would love a job, any job, even this girl’s job, don’t you think you’d try harder to be good at what you do? I was in a middle-budget establishment, well dressed and I’d been before, but this girl, this Bon QuiQui imposter, has ensured I will never visit again.

Of course I immediately checked myself to make sure I wasn’t being difficult, harsh or unmannerly and realized that this teenaged twenty-something is just trying to get enough money to pay her text messaging and tanning bills and if I wasn’t tipping well, maybe the next guy will. This has nothing and everything to do with me. It also made me think, are all young professionals like that now? Wasn’t America built on our inappropriate overbearing will to succeed?

In a time of reality shows about duck decoy makers and Amish and big money endorsements for all, it’s easy for the population to feel entitled and bored about their own lives when you see normal people up on the TV screen every day and it leads many to feel that tomorrow, we too will be the next American Idol. Something to remember, you don’t get something for nothing in this life, and if you are blessed enough to work in this economy, you need to work to be the best, no matter how “beneath” you it may be.




  • Absolutely entertaining, as always. I love the way you look at the world and the way you describe it in print. Love ya, sweets!

  • I understand some of what you’re posting, and i appreciate where you’re coming from; especially with her response and attitude. So, please note that I’m not excusing her reaction in any way. However, because I love you and I care about how you present yourself to the world and I care about how others around you may influence you and who you are to the world for good or bane; I think I should probably take this time to help you open your eyes and your heart to her world for just a moment.

    I think probably some of her reaction is due to the fact that 1. She earns below minimum wage somewhere between four to six an hour. 2. By the time she takes a round-trip to work via train, subway or car, she’s “earned” less than that. 3. I can bet she doesn’t get dental, medical, or any kind of insurance…so, if she gets injured on the job (via fire, cutlery, chemical, etc.) or on her way to her job, she and her family are screwed and cannot sue the company because… 4. She probably had no choice but to sign a waiver/release to that effect in order to work there. 5. If she makes any tips, she will have to “share” them with her co-workers, so by the time she “earns” her tip, depending on how many co-workers with whom she shares, her “tip” is about one-twenty to one-twenty-fifth of what you gave her. 6. I’m sure she’s assigned “breaks”, but if it gets busy during her “break”, she doesn’t get a break and people have to use the bathroom. Now, imagine being on your feet for four to six hours with no break, grouchy customers, some with crying, fussy babies, “hold the pickles, hold the lettuce”, and then you walk in….”Oh, h***!” I mean, “All Hail!”

    So, Johnny, please tell us how many salads have you had in your life-time? If you’re getting a salad, it’s a sure bet that whatever you get, it will be on a bed of lettuce. Did you look to see if the ingredients for this “salad” were listed on the menu? They usually are. That’s probably why she giggled, and then she probably had to go pee! Can you blame the girl? Now, given what I just told you about her world, imagine her inner “bubble thoughts” about you! Come on, Johnny. Be honest….and be good. (hugs you).

  • “Sensational Salad” sounds like a catch-all type name where the chef can put in whatever he has on hand. The name is sloppy merchandising and says nothing. If restaurant management really knew what they were doing, they would give the dish a more descriptive name or fully describe it on the menu. Or, they should train the wait staff on what was on the menu and how to provide good customer service. This training would be an opportunity to help sell the various menu items and whet people’s appetite for more courses. The lack of training (and their hiring people untrained in customer service) implies that the restaurant does not know what it is doing and also does not care. The restaurant owner’s lackadaisical attitude rolls downhill to the wait staff and to the customer. Such cluelessness in service is likely to extend to the food. If this is a brand new restaurant, you might cut it some slack as it gets its act together. Otherwise, it is entirely appropriate that you find another restaurant that has its act together and can train its staff properly.

    In terms of professionalism, Johnny himself is an excellent role model and very courteous to his fans, even when he has flown around the world and lacks sleep, is coming down with something, has painful feet, etc.

  • ThatKindofGirl

    You really think that “crack baby” remark is okay? And imitating the black girl’s speech pattern? And moaning about lazy poor people while wearing a mink coat? Or, for that matter, wearing a mink coat? You sound like an entitled brat.

  • I hear you, Johnny. Ugh. I’ve owned businesses in the past and she would have been spoken to and if she didn’t improve, she would have been fired. I understand some jobs are crap jobs (and I have worked many) but believe me, you need to do your best when you are there.

  • LOL… “inner monologue”… LOLLL

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